Things I did right

 Most days, it felt like I did everything wrong by her, and that's why the universe took her away from me. Yet, I know I had done some good, because we were together for about 8 years - that has to count for something.

1. I memorized all the ways your eyes shined, with that random speck of green that is above your iris and how that blue could change depending on the lighting. It always took my breath away.

2. I was patient for a lot of things, that I probably had no business being patient for. Like waiting for you to stand up to your family for the woman you married.

3. Even though I never held a conversation with your family, I remembered their birthdays, the things they liked, and I bought those things for you to give to them. You said they always loved them, and they used it.

4. Christmas is your favorite holiday, and it was your grandmas, too. I always bought a poinsettia plant every year so she could be with us in spirit - I did good one year -  it lived all the way to April. 

5. I made sure to decorate every Christmas, even though I wasn't a fan, and you were never there to enjoy it.

5. Whenever you would talk about grandma, I would listen as you would whip out her Book of Mormon - that I always made sure was safe and within reach, and tell me about the religion that doesn't like us.

6. Every holiday, I made sure you were able to go and spend time with your family. I know I would say you have traditions when my family didn't, I just knew we both couldn't go and I knew you lost so much time with them, how could I sit there and take away more, even if I wanted to go too?

7. I held down the fort whenever and however long you needed me to. No matter the exhaustion, if it brought you a peace of mind, I did it as long as I could, without complaint.

8. I believed in our communication, and I trusted you wholeheartedly, which is why I didn't catch on fast enough that you were falling in love with someone else.

9. I loved you, good and the bad, without judgement. Even when you broke my heart multiple times into pieces. I stood by you through the good times and bad - it was never hard for me to do that because you were worth it. You were... are.... my person.

10. Your demons were loved without judgement, along with the secrets they protect. I held their hands and told them how loved and beautiful they were, and how one day they were going to grow into something wonderful that can handle the light. That one day, they wouldn't have to live in the dark anymore, but that it was okay if they didn't and I would love them anyway.

11. Even if it costed mine, I always put your happiness and dreams first.

12. Not matter the situation, you were always safe with me, along with entrusted secrets I never shared after Emi, and that was more or less for her safety among other things. That baggage was so heavy to hold, I don't know how you carry it. I hope its lighter with Emi helping you.

13. I stayed alive.

14. I showed you how life could be so much fun if you get out there.

15. Showed you that life is better with animals, and its okay to have fear as long as it doesn't influence you in missing out.

16. A closed mouth doesn't get fed. You didn't speak up for me, but you did for her. I'm glad she doesn't have to go through what I did. Jealous and hurt that I never got that same devotion in that sense, after waiting so patiently for all those years.

17. I was good at surprises, since you loved them so much.

18. Being spontaneous leads to the best adventures and stories.

19. Promises are not something to do lightly; never promise something you can't keep. Even if that's all I  represent for in the end, that's a good one to be. 

20. I was a good cook and housekeeper on my good days. I'm sorry that their wasn't more of those. 

21. I was worth it; being loved and cared by you. I didn't deserve that shitty ending. I loved you the best way that I could, and I shouldn't have to say sorry for that.

22. I was always trying to improve and love you the way you needed. It just never looked like it because the battles raging on the inside, not the outside.

23. I always let you be the little spoon, and even if your breath was kicking, you would get at least one kiss before I made you brush them.

24. Even if I struggled internally, binge watching anime/TV series with you.

25. Even if I struggled internally, hang out with you when you played video games.

26. Helped you with your classes when I couldn't do my own. Though, to be honest, that was on good days... Sorry that didn't happen more. I really did want to help. 

27. Going out in public, even when I really just wanted to stay home. Going out always made you happy, even if it was just grocery shopping. 

28. I always remembered our anniversaries, and your birthday. I tried to do something special every year. It was hard because you were the romantic one and liked planning those things. My gifts were on point at least.

29. I took care of the dogs, more than I would like to admit. Not saying I never threw them on you, because I did, but I also have done more than my fair share.

30. Not going out of my way to figure out what my surprises were, because I know that was your favorite part. 

31. I cherished every morning when I woke up and saw your cute baby face next to mine - even though your breath would be kicking. I was just happy you were mine, and relish in that fact alone.

32. I never intentionally took you for granted, and I tried to show that as much as possible. 

33. I tried to give as much as I took in our relationship.

34. Tried my hardest to make time for "us" whenever I could.

35. Tried super hard to indulge in the things you liked, i.e. dancing. 

36. Tried to keep our "one date" a week schedule, and for the most part we did pretty good until our schedules started conflicting, because, well, life.

37. Always your sidekick for new adventures, like performing that one year in Renaissance, and we had to sleep/change into costume in our little 2 door Beretta.

38. I wasn't overbearing, or pressured you to doing something you didn't want to do.

39. I never asked you to stay a woman for me; I just wanted you to be comfortable in your own skin, and I sincerely thought I was doing a good job of that until I was lectured by people I never even met to call you "he".

40. I always used both he/she pronouns, and I never outted you when you discovered something new about yourself and wasn't ready to share just yet.

41. Even now, I believe in you and everything you set out to do, is going to be wonderful. I'm just sad I can't even be on the sidelines to see it. 

42. I was very supportive of you, in everything you thought you wanted to do. That hasn't stopped. Which is why I wish you would've confined in me about her... 

43. I was always vocal, and honest - despite the repercussions. 

44. I was always thankful for you, and how you would handle my bad days until the end. You always did such a good job.