Funny, that the thing I used to identify our love was a "blackhole"; big and endless love, sucking in all the good and the bad of each other.
I guess whoever watches over our pitiful, lovesick souls must have been greatly entertained with my ever growing infatuation with you as yours began to fade with me.
Love is such a gamble, but maybe that's why we crave it like fiends and do whatever we can to even get a fraction of the high only that love can give.
When I said, " I love you deeper than a blackhole', I meant it. I loved every demon, every ugly piece of you that you didn't want to keep, but I did because it was a part of you. When I said, "I love you", I wasn't just saying it for you to remain in my arms, but I wanted you to know that our 8 years of ups and downs, that I loved every crack and crevice that made you who you were and who you were working towards of becoming. "I love you" meant when the honeymoon phase died, that I would continue to find reasons to love you and cherish you; when we were no longer young in our 20s, but experienced in our 30s, my love would continue to out burn any stars in our sky, including the sun. "I love you" meant when we would have sparring matches against each other instead of us tag teaming the world, that I would have your 6 still. "I love you" meant I would do my best to forgive you for the things you needed to learn about yourself, even if that meant a piece of my soul would be crushed in the process. "I love you" meant I wouldn't tell a soul your secrets, and to keep it locked up with chains and throw away the key, because you trusted me, of all people, to protect it. I still guard it. Do you guard mine?
So, what the hell did "I love you deeper than a blackhole", mean to you? For you to look and touch me like I was a chore, for your eyes to wander and hold hands with someone new when you still slept in my bed? For you to have the audacity to ask to be in my future along with my child, to be my friend while lying someone elses arms? For you to invite all my good friends to your wedding, but wouldn't claim them as your friends when we were together? To get married on one of my favorite holidays, when you told me your dream wedding and told me no - dressing up like other characters weren't it for you? To only show up to sign one piece of paper to finally file for the divorce you wanted in the first place after threatening to show up to her place, and not even showing up to court for the divorce you wanted so much? To get engaged not even 2 weeks later? I could have royally fucked you over... but I didn't.
Yet, to still make me out to be the villian... I guess that's appropriate because you were supposed to be my super prince, remember? My, how heroes fall, and they still get the best happily ever after all. I hope, by making me the villian makes you feel better at night, makes her feel better about being a homewrecker, and for not even letting me know that I was in a fight for my title.
I know loving me wasn't the easiest thing - my mental health was an absolute never ending fires to put out. Of course you got tired, but I warned, checked in and gave you an out often to where going behind my back shouldn't have been an option. You insisted that it was okay, and that I should trust and love you through it - when I did, it wore you out so fast. I finally trusted you with my demons - knowing you couldn't handle them... I took that risk and shared them with you like a fool, thinking you could learn to love and play with them until they became manageable. You should've been the man you think you were and told me that I wasn't worth it anymore, instead of you breaking the promise that mattered to me most - no matter what was going on, married or not, you were going to be there. Instead, you tell me at one of my lowest points to "figure it out because were getting divorced, and you can't depend on me to save you anymore." because I called you in the middle of class and you were going to hang out with her afterwards. You didn't come home that night. Never checked in. Supposedly you threw your phone and was upset - but the thing is, when my demons come out to play, they play rough. I had it neatly there, ya know... I just needed to apply pressure. When you said that to me, to me, of all people..! I died that day, and I wanted to reflect that as much as possible. You wanted to take that risk with my life because "I always okay."... Yeah, well that night was pretty close. How would you have dealt with that, if I truly went through with it?
Then, my Bellie popped in my head and I called my babygirl (4 at the time) up, and Fae helping to continue to calm me down and reminding me why not only was I a good person, but such a good wife to you; despite my mental health.
I go to therapy now, I got properly diagnosed and take medication now. I can save money, and my impulses to speed has decreases along buying things I don't need, and I can remember things so much better now. I completed and got an A in my first college class in 3 years - I was able to focus and stick with it. I'm truly sadden that you haven't gotten to witness your hardwork coming to fruition, because I know I wouldn't have gotten this far without your help over the years. I knew something was wrong with me mentally, though I wouldn't have imagined the severity of it all and unlike you, I have always be able to admit my faults. I refuse to pretend to be anything other than myself, because I think I'm pretty damn awesome, and if they can't hang that's fine - I'm not everyones can of Ghost. I always admitted that I truly needed help, and not be in denial about it.
My therapist says I don't have to defend your actions anymore. I can't seem to stop doing that. Because despite everything, my love for you runs deeper than any blackhole in existence -
maybe that's why you couldn't see or hear my anguish or even my love.
It's been a year now, being officially divorced. It hasn't stopped hurting, and I think I'm still in disbelief. Most days, I can make it through with the memories that usually cripple me and making me feel like I can't breathe. But man oh man, when those thoughts of you do cripple me, its still one of the worse pains imaginable. Oh, by the way, I'm not numb all the time anymore - I can feel emotions now. Talk about timing.
You know, I always wanted to be your Mrs., the day we met in 2011 and when I finally achieved that, I remember you being so upset when I hyphened my last name with yours in 2017. I guess a part of me knew then, and I wanted so bad, that it's still so hard to get rid of now. I wanted to love you and have you all to myself, till the end of our days. If I didn't allow you to come back when you got cold feet for our first wedding, maybe you would've figured yourself out and I could've continued healing like I was doing. But nooo, instead I let you waltz back in, like those 3 months didn't destroy me and without any consequence. I always had your 6, whether you were with me or not, and I continue to do so to this day. Finding out how you were dragging me through the mud to make yourself not only look better, but to fit in with people who don't even give a fuck about you? I'm still continuing to find out from the most random of places, and it crushes me every to know that you thought about me so negatively. Did you ever have my 6, like I have yours still? Like not letting talk shit about me, especially if they haven't ever met me...? I may vent my thoughts about you to others from time to time, but never in a insulting or degrading type of way - even though I completely reserve that right. I refuse to be that awful, bitter person you make me out to be.
It's been a year also since I went to a Mental Health Facility because it was so hard waking up to an empty bed, not hearing you pick on the dogs, or waking up in the middle of the night to you watching anime because you couldn't sleep. I miss being the big spoon, the one that held you when you cried, the one who would fix anything to make you smile, I miss your random acts of love and kindness, but most of all, I miss the way those blue eyes would look at me, letting me know that I was home.
Just so you know, she's not me. She doesn't have my name, our memories and any of our yesterdays along with the future we envisioned just for us. Our friends don't like her, but love you despite your shortcomings. She didn't tag along with one of your best friends in a U-Haul for 6 hours to come and get you from college because your parents cut you off from being gay. She wasn't the one you chose to love despite losing your parents the first time. She didn't put up with 8 years of being shunned by your family, patiently waiting for you to fight like I did for you. She wasn't there to support you while you were practically homeless, couch surfing until you became a nanny. She didn't hold you down when you lost important people - in the matter of a month - in your life so you could focus on being with your family and grieving for a little bit over 2 months. She didn't learn about a religion because you believe in it so much, despite that same religion hating on people like us. She didn't help you get over your fears of dogs, she didn't help you be who you are now that she gets to enjoy. She wasn't the one who originally encouraged your dreams, and didn't get up to move to make sure that dream happened, even though she sincerely didn't want to because of gut and leaving behind the family she created. She didn't give up going to college willingly and work full time to make sure you could. stop working and go to school. She's enjoying the fruition of my handwork of helping you improve on the human you wanted to become. It's pure and utter bullshit. Then again, consequences of my actions or lack there of, also took place here...
But, most importantly, how could you punish me in the worse way possible, for loving you the best way I knew how? The dogs too - how could you just abandon and starve them like that? They loved you.
Did you know that blackholes makes noise, just the human ear can't hear it because of the frequency?
Maybe that's the real why you could never hear my love for you -
I was just in the wrong frequency.
- B.K.
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