I always think back to what I did wrong, but never what I did right as your wife. I think I'm going to state some, because even I did some good while being with you... I mean, you asked me to marry you, not just once, but twice.
So, before becoming a pair - I went to pick her up with a mutual friend I'm going to call Desi. Desi and I rode 3 hours in a U-Haul to go and pick up Sid because she told her parents she was a lesbian and wanted to live her truth. So, they took her car and cut her off. They were paying for her schooling, rent, food, gas, and anything else she needed. We helped her back, throw away all the big stuff, and took her back to Desi's place. I had Sonic for the first time on that trip, I listened to them sing and harmonize with each other to A Whole New World from Addalin. Helped unload everything and take the truck back to U Haul. We Skyped almost daily after that, and I supported her when she cut her hair off for the first time (though I loved her hair, but she looked so thrilled with her new, uneven look that Desi gave her in the kitchen). When her parents came to collect the "stuff owed to them" along with some payments toward what they paid for college, and her father cried and pretty much disowned her right then and there. She wasn't allowed to contact them or her brothers because they were "too young" and didn't want them to be influenced to stray from the teachings of the chruch as well. I comforted her along with Desi for the next 10 months of no contact with her family. I supported her the best I could when she started couch surfing, and finally becoming a nanny to Desi's cousins. Around that time, the State fair came and we were low key flirting with each other, both being oblivious to the others advances. Sid learned that I had never had a date to any of the dances I went to, and wanted to set the standard for me. She did. I stayed the night (no, we didn't do the nasty), and later on in the day, I asked her if we were an item, walking across the street on Rainbow Road, and then she asked me. Pfft, dumbass. November 3, 2013 became her signature on her phone.
I had patience with her, as we got to know each other beyond good friends and as a unit. We would stay up all night, despite me being in HS still. She found ways to make me feel special, like running over like 5 miles to my bus stop just to see me for 10 minutes or bring me roses on Valentine's Day at school. I spent every moment with her that I could, including "sneaking out" and hanging out at the park. Whispering our darkest secrets throughout the night that could never see the sunlight. When her demons whispered in her ear that she needed to act a certain way when she found friends like her for the first time. When her other demon convinced her that her friends were right about me - I should've given it up already by then, it was 2 months of dating. It was okay, that I wanted to wait for marriage or for the one I knew for sure I was going to marry someday in private. I lectured you for hours on that topic, and I asked, "So, are we over now because I won't fuck you? Let me know so I'm not wasting my time." She told me no, and apologized. I forgave her and we continued on - I gave it up like a month later. She moved away and we didn't have cars. Solution: we wrote letters to each other as well as Skyping/talking on the phone each other until we fell asleep. From sheets of paper to full blown notebooks. We went through so many, naming each one - our "children".
I forgave her for having feelings for Ali still, along with Rene. Love for Rene was bigger than the love for Ali. I knew them both and was friends with both of these individuals. Ali and Sid ended abruptly due to parent involvement and Sid not being honest with Ali, destroying Ali's feelings. Rene, was an obsession for a long time, lowkey, I think she still is. Rene and Sid were very physical and Rene used her in that way. I think it was pure mutual liking of each other, but when Sid's family wasn't supporting, Rene knew then that they couldn't be official in anything because family is everything for her. It was a fear of Sid's that I would feel the same way as Rene overtime, and I accepted that I might not have that, even though family was important to me as well. But, I wanted her and not her family, I reminded her of this for the years to come. My family was a little weary at first, but they grew to love her as I brought her around and how happy she made me. I convince her to come to college again, but this time with me.
We end up sharing a dorm together for a semester. I learn that she was spoiled rotten, and because she don't listen, she get Athlete's Foot from the showers from not wearing flip flops. I busted my front tooth on the bed looking for something for her. Ugly crying my mom because I was homesick and wanted to go home. Mom said no. I lost her class ring that year, somewhere in the dorm. Don't think we ever filed to get her a replacement. We moved into our first apartment. I learned Mormon Girls need more than a prayer - I became the "mom" of the apartment because the apartment would get so gross, and they would invite all these people over. I had to teach them how to wash, dry and fold/hang their clothes, how to properly clean each room, including their own. Eventually I would crash mentally because we were working 2 jobs, overload on college credits and had to clean the apartment. Never ending cycle, and Sid wasn't any better. We threw out our backs on that shitty twin size mattress and air mattress on the floor for months - she was way too tall. Then, we gave ourselves bed bugs by taking a double out of the bulk trash next to the apartments - the guy even gave us the box spring. Bastard didn't tell us he suspected bed bugs and that's why he threw it out in the first place. 2 weeks and the eggs hatched - learned I am allergic to bed bugs - the infestation began. It spread to the other units next to us - the guy wanted to kick us out, but the manager was a sweetheart and made us "disappear" by letting us have another unit. We sleep together on the recliner for a month because our room was the worst and our clothes in a box/trash bag. When they finally tented the whole building, we slept on the tile floor for like a week in the new unit. We threw away that fucking mattress, and was blessed that nothing had to be burned/thrown away. We went through 2 more units after that, because well, shit out of our control kept happening.
She got her first dog from the Walmart parking lot, sassy little thing named Stella. Ryan joins and he got Wrangler shortly after. Babygirl, a friend's furbaby, has babies. I fall in love with a 3 day old chunker, and he became mine - Beethoven, Bae for short. We get a double wide trailer, and as we were moving out, we found 2 puppies. One was born a stray and one we think just got lost because she looked so healthy. We bring them with us, and named them Brownie + Bailey. Fast forward, Bailey + Brownie get adopted, and we have to say goodbye to Stella way too soon before she turned one due to an accident, Bae + Wrangler hate each other caused by jealousy and Bae developing an uncurable cancer that was causing him to drown from the inside out when he was 3. Shadow gets thrown into the mix. Friends filter in and out of living with us. Sid leaves 2 weeks before our wedding because she wasn't ready to lose her family again. I had to call the courthouse, and tell the man who canceled his plans to marry us that its not going to happen. Everyone is blowing up my phone, and I shutdown. We message from 11pm-5am so her parents doesn't catch her talking to me. She left to make sure that I was what she wanted and would be worth the backlash. I don't sleep for days at a time, playing Pokemon GO! at all hours of the night, bringing my boys with me. Sucidial tendencies were unknown to others, but they were high and almost accomplished several times. A customer continuously comes to see me, and I am healing and getting used to being the only one in the house. I inform Sid that I am in a good place and I can move on if she wants to stay there, but I'm not going to wait and play this game to see if she wants me or not. She came home the next day. We were engaged again that night. I spend every holiday alone, and worked. She went to be with hers for several days. It would be 7 years before I get to spend holidays with my family. I had to put up with no texts while she was with her family for a very long time because they didn't want her talking to me. I build a family in that small town, and spent holidays with them - they always made sure I had gifts under the tree.
Forward through some more years, Sid's Uncle unexpectedly passes (the only one besides his wife who was excited to meet me), and grandfather dies within weeks of each other, I had to hold down the fort whole she was gone for 2 months. She liked not having responsibilities and talks about leaving me again to her parents - I told her if she couldn't handle the real world with me, then she wouldn't come back to me along with that it wasn't fair to get her parents hopes up on her changing. She stays. We lose the double wide for something that wasn't our fault, we drop out of college several times. Lived in a friends camper for a month until we got a different trailer in a shady trailer park. Bubba (Wrangler) almost shot because they were chasing him because he pushed a lady down and gave her dog a little injury. We go to court and pay the fines - Bubba gets fleas from the shelter over the weekend because we weren't allowed to keep him on the property and it wasn't open over the weekend. He was a good boy when Sid found and got him - he slipped off his collar that was attached to his lead. Rush him to mom's. My tendencies are increasing, despite trying several drugs to help manage (later to be discovered I am Type 1 Bipolar with Severe Anxiety and thats why the drugs never worked). Tried to give up coping habits to be with her more, but it made me irritable and it was physically hard. I gave up as much of my space as I could, because her love language was touch and being together. Mine was through gifts. Gave up on school for a while so she could focus on finishing her second AA and get her BA program, so I worked full time to pay the bills. She hates where we lived, but I enjoyed being there - she was too far from her family and not where she wanted to bulid her career. Impulse and wanting to make her happy, we move with mom, despite my gut screaming at me.
She's gone a lot since she's closer to family, my mental health continues to deteriorate, and I unintentionally/intentionally complain so she would have to stay to suffer with me instead of escaping. Still hated the way I coped, but didn't know a different way. She still refused to talk to her parents about me. Married for 2 years at this point. Stimulus hits and we move in with Desi, a good friend of ours. I get a better job, insomnia worsens, pick up 16hr shifts often because she wasn't home. She starts not coming home on time. She's acting different but is denying it. We fight with our words more often, mostly money/dog related. Mental health still on a decline, but trying to fix something I couldn't figure out was broke. She starts working on her BA, I tried Aspen for Nursing - I never went to class. She makes friends online in her classes at ASU - won't let me be in her pictures or talk to them. She leaves to hang out with them more and more to the point its days at a time - we have one car. She can drop money, but when I did self care things it was a big deal. Finally, I was building our savings. For the first time, I go on vacation with Desi and Sid stays to work. Didn't speak to Sid for the whole duration of the vacation. Get into a fight because I got speeding tickets. Her being abnormal with me and not patient. Unaware at the time, but she is on dating apps.
Suggestion of taking a break - give permission for her to sleep with Ali and to see if Ali still has feelings for her after all these years. She doesn't. I'm numb. We planned on being different by continuing to stay friends afterwards, even though I ask repeatedly if we could go to marriage counseling and what I needed to do to fix this. She needed to explore more. She gets excited when I mention I have a crush on a coworker and looks relieved. We try to make love one more time and the way she touches and looks at more is like a chore. It shook my core and I began to sob, not responding to her because everything felt so wrong. She wasn't being honest. She met up with the one who took my spot and fell in love with her one night stand. I continiously trying, the numbness has wore off and I am pleading with so much emotion that I wasn't showing before. She keeps telling me know and reminding me what I agreed with when I couldn't feel. She promises that she'll still be there for me when I need her since she knows shes the only one who can do it for now. I have a severe panic attack while she is in class and beg for her to come back because I knew in my soul something bad was going to happen the day or the next. "Everytime I leave, you are always okay before I get there." "Yeah, because I know your coming home - that brings me comfort and it helps to know that your going to be here soon." "Well, were getting a divorce, and your going to have to figure this stuff out on your own. I know your going to be fine, but this isn't my job anymore." My heart falls out my chest when I hear the beep, and I fall apart. I wanted to prove that I wasn't dramatic and this wasn't fake - I desperately wanted to do the thing that couldn't be undone - I was ready this time, and I made it to where the clean up for Desi wouldn't be so bad.
I paused, and tried to think of some nice things about myself, without much success. I called Fae, and she let me talk to my baby. Then, Fae proceeds to tell me all the things that make me a good person and a good wife for 45 minutes until I calmed down. The bad thing happens the next day and she comes home because of it. She is deeply involved with her now, unknowingly to me at the time, and I tell her that I can't do this, not being her wife and being here. She begs me to stay and that we would figure it out together. I literally set up everything for her so she doesn't have to worry about anything when I left. She promises to take care of the dogs, and not to worry about taking them to my mom. My family hearts get broke, they loved Sid as a granddaughter/daughter/sister. DD even bought her shoes that year because he knew she loved shoes - she never came to get them and it broke his heart.
It was awful, nothing went right and things went so wrong. Eventually, Sid agreed to give me the car since her family would help her get one. I eventually lived out of my car and in a motel at one point. I went to visit Desi and Banana to get Friday the 13th Tattoos, and I was disappointed because Sid wasn't there - she was at a party with her instead. Desi tells me the truth because after months, because Sid still hadn't told me that one night stand is her girlfriend, she hasn't been home in weeks because she's living with her and she gets to go on family outings with Sid. Infront of the tattoo shop, I called and confronted her. She confirmed, and I asked her how in the world did she want me to fight for us if I didn't know I was competing for my title as well. I left to give some space to see if it would help - she said that is not how she wanted me to fight, and that I just made it easy for her. I don't remember the rest of that screaming match, but when we got our tattoos, Desi warned me about the smell. She didn't want to invade our privacy by going in there. My Lulu, was a stray and even though we had her for about 2 years at this point, she had a hard time gaining weight. She was finally getting to a good weight when I left and Shadow was diagnosed with Appendicitis, so I bought expensive ass dog food before I left those 2 months. My Lucy Goosey was so skinny, she might as well been back on the streets and Shadow was so bloated that he was in pain. There was no water and shit everywhere. They were eating it as well, because I looked that the food container and it was about as full as I left it. I called Sid again and she told me I was being dramatic about them almost dying, and that it was hard to care for them because she was no longer living there and they reminded her of me.
Next day, mom and my aunt build a wall and begin working on their trust again - that they are going to be fed and get water. I was gone another month, and came home because I was self sabotaging myself to the point where I wasn't going to have a job. It didn't help that I was fighting with Sid because she was putting on a show by acting like someone she wasn't and I had to wait for her to be alone for herself to reappear. I was the other woman in my own marriage and she wouldn't do the work to do the divorce and her new girl refused to let her see me to get the shit done. My mom got me, and I broke - not only did I fail my marriage, but I couldn't even be on my own. I start therapy, I get a referral to see about disabilities and none of the medication prescribed weren't working. In the Amazon we shared, had their address - I threaten to go and get that paper notarized if she didn't meet me at the courthouse. She came down the next morning, and told me she would help go through the storage unit. Never did follow through with anything else. Mom, DD and I went through the unit and threw stuff away. I had to be committed. Get out in time for our courtdate for the divorce - she never showed. I continue therapy and find out all the things wrong with my brain - and despite everyone said about my coping habit I developed at a young age, it was completely healthy - different, but healthy. Most of the things that I was doing, was fixed with the right medication.
I tell her this, giving an update on life much later, and talking to her again... God. It was like a breath of fresh air and it felt like I could breathe comfortably, even if for a moment.
"I'm smiling ear to ear, because I knew you could do it - especially without me. I knew you could do all this and so much more, you just had to believe in yourself a little more..."
She didn't get to see me get better, I think that's the part that fucks with me the most... silly quishy. She's apart of everything I do still, even though our paths will probably never cross again, forever making our story titled, "Almost".
