And that is absolutely terrifying.
It has been 641 days, 92 weeks, 15,360 hours, 921,612 minutes, and 55,296,738 seconds.
Yes, I Googled it. It really has been that long now, hasn't it?
For me, somewhere, somehow, I started taking your eagerness and willingness to learn how to dance with my demons along with your love and devotion to me, for granted.
There no amount of apologies or things I could do, to make that experience any better from you.
Well, maybe just one thing:
Step back, and just listen stories about how your life is unfolding... Without me.
Ya know, my sleeping schedule used to be so fucked up; though having you there and admiring the way your skin with mine, lit up like the 4th of July...
Totally worth it.
Watching those beautiful blue eyes with flecks of gold and green flutter close and your voice becoming a raspy murmur, with TMNT (specifically, as I learned, from the 80s) illuminating your face. Me, chuckling and turning everything off and made sure the furbabies were squared away. As I try not so discreetly, get back into the bed while fighting off the heathens that were ours. Your startled, sleepy face, and the panicked, "I'm sorry babe, I'm awake..." You know what I had to do, to knock you back out to the soft, cute snores?
Caress your face, or rub your head.
Simple little things. I don't miss the sex, the hugs, or even the kisses (well... maybe a little bit).
I miss late night walks to the park, just to sit in the grass and talk with the guidance of the night sky. To the nights where we couldn't be with each other physically, so we would stay up all night, and whisper into the night on Voxer. To Skyping or talking on the phone, just for the sake of having others voice coming with us to slumber.
I desire those conversations - the good, funny, growing, ugly, bad -
All of it.
The night used to always belong to me, making me feel safe. The Moon has bared witnessed to my life and has sheltered my demons without complaint. She whispered to let you see, and as hard as that was. I did, more and more over time.
I'm sorry that they scared you like I knew they would, because they scared me to.
Remember when we moved to that small little town and saw the Milky Way for the first time. I was so in awe staring up there, and I recall you laughing, holding my hand to make sure I didn't drift off into traffic, because it was so dark, no street lights, friends were further up ahead, and no sidewalk. "Geez, look at you, up so high, my little dreamer." Looking back at you, felt like I got to stare at the Borealis.
Breathtaking.
I swear, my favorite things (along with the "adulty" things) that progressed us, happened at night. When we took the nights away, by working or whatever the reason... I feel like when I stopped being the Moon Child I was, to become the Suns, I felt like Icarus, falling rapidly from where I desired to be.
In this case, you were my downfall, because I flew higher and closer to you that no one - not even me - thought I could.
The night... they'll continue to belong to you because 2013 - 2020, along with being friends since 2010... That is such a long time. She can have the future I envisioned with you; due to the fact she was given my title without a proper title match. Fine, she can have all the titles that were previously bestowed to me. However, she can never have the evenings of our yesterdays. In those days, my crown as well as the place on the throne, will be respected and defended by the King himself.
You know I'm not overly religious, but instead of praying for you, I gave you my wishes. I never told you, because I sincerely wanted them to come true. Every shooting star, went to the family who never gave me a chance, to your eternal happiness. I whispered into the night to continue to give you favor.
I still want that for you. I'm still rooting for you to have the best days of your life.
Just, now I keep all stars for me, and talk to the night boldly as I used to, because she and I have never been strangers.
"Please, I make this wish to you. We've been having a hard time lately, and she's not happy. I can tell, I feel it in my bones. Please, do what you have to do - even if that means removing me."
That is the last wish I made, and man they weren't kidding about when they say "be careful for what you wish for", because the night sky made sure the Moon heard my silent prayer and she granted what I asked of her. She even hears the "p.s. I forgot to add...."
It has been 641 days, 92 weeks, 15,360 hours, 921,612 minutes, and 55,296,738 seconds -
since the night this first began; lingering with ghosts of us, giggling and whispering about the future they wanted, oh how simple those desires were then!
Being together after every sunset, "home" is where both resided, and experience every sunrise.
Together.
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